I was wrong

Broken has been the theme in my heart lately. I have been loving school but, it has been pushing me for sure. The last few weeks have just been stressful trying to figure out the whole school thing. Before I left for school I had foolishly given my heart to a long time friend. The last few weeks have been painful because I have had to admit that I was wrong in doing so and face the problem. God has been reconciling my heart with this relationship. Reconciliation is finding the point in which you make the wrong decision, going back to that point and making a totally different decision to get things right. With the stress of school and my heart being broken to the core, I have felt week, have been learning patient the hard way and  been completely reliant on the Lord.

The guy I gave part of my heart to has just been playing games with my heart. He has been completely and blatantly been ignoring me. he has made me feel like I'm a drama queen just because I was trying to make things work with us. What I have realized has been hard for me to accept and come to terms with. I have tried to encourage him to grow where he needs to. I would text him just so that he knew I was thinking of him, e-mail him. Call him just to see whats up, send him cards just to encourage him and let him know I care. The hard thing is that he wouldn't return my calls, text me back, write back and I still don't even know if he got my cards or if they meant anything to him.

We had decided to put things on pause with us so that we could both work on somethings in our lives before we started a relationship. I would understand if he needed space because dealing with yourself is rally hard. We could have just agreed not to communicate until our lives were in order. The hard thing has been, if he needed space the way he has taken the space is by playing with my heart, not communicating and purposefully ignoring me. It has been the most painful, be-littling, humiliating and esteem crushing thing I have ever been through.

It is hard because I still really and truly care for him but, need to just release him for now. I deserve to be treated better then how he has been treating me. I don't need to be the one doing all the work for us if he refuses to try at all.So for now, were over and done. I would love it if someday he can be man enough to admit he was so wrong and start pursuing me with integrity. His actions have pushed me away and torn apart my heart. I want to see this thing reconciled. If we are to ever relate again, its in his hands.

Even though it has been really hard to leave it up to him, I have to. I will still pray blessing over his live and cover him in prayer even though it would be far easier to be angry and bitter. When and if he calls I will talk to him but, I refuse to let my mind and heart be toyed with in the mean time. I will no longer just be waiting for him and no longer leave part of my heart in his hands to be crushed even further. It breaks my heart to admit it but, I was wrong in giving him my all of my trust back. I was so wrong when I let him back into my heart without doing anything to earn it.

I still hope that this is just a simple misunderstanding but, even if it is I know there isn't a good enough explanation for him to have been treating me the way he has. Carrie Underwood's song "I know you wont" shows the way I have felt:

I know you don't mean to be, mean to me

Cause when you want to you can make me feel like we belong

Lately, you make me feel all I am is a backup plan

I'll say I'm done and then you smile at me and I'll forget

I'll buy into those eyes and into your lies

You say you'll call, but I know you

You say you're coming home but, I know you

You say you'll call but I know you won't

You say you'll call but I know you won't

So if that is not pathetic I don't know what is. But hey there have been some positive things, I have learned patients and hove grown even closer to the Lord. Even though this has been really painful, I will be alright. I'm loving school, I have some great friends. And weather or not this guy is the one for me, I know God has someone amazing out there for me. For the time being I will be preparing my heart for him and resting in peace and contentment with who I am. Who god has made me to be and knowing that he has plans for my life that I can't even begin to imagine.