Day one

My first day of college finally came and past. it was a little nerve racking. Some how I managed to get to and from all of my classes. I also got a locker at the gym and went rock climbing. I drove to school for the first time today. It was dark when I get there because my first class is a Pilate's class at six am. I pulled to the most front parking spot to be courteous to other people trying to park. Well little did I know, I parked in the yellow zone. It was totally accidental because I could have parked anywhere else. Long story short, I got a fifteen dollar ticket. It was a bummer because I have never had a ticket before.

All in all my day went smooth. I am excited for my theory class, my professor is awesome. I need to do some practicing for symphony. It has been a long day, I'm really tiered in every sense. I'm off to bed and ready to go with my next days worth of classes.

Awesome Quotes

I absolutely love quotes. These are some of my favorites...

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams" Eleanor Roosevelt

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity" Martin Luther King Jr.

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare" Mark Twain

"There are constant risks to a program of action, but they are far less then the long range risks and costs of comfortable inaction" John F. Kennedy

"Risk taking is inherently failure-prone, otherwise we would call it sure-thing-taking" Tim McMahon

"Things don't get better by being left alone" Winston Churchill

"We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly" Martin Luther King Jr.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it's in everyone." Marianne Williamson

"To live a creative life, we must loose our fear of being wrong." Joseph Chelton Pearce

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Helen Keller

"The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function." F. Scott Fitzgerald

"The notes I handle no better than many (musicians) but, the pauses between the notes-ah that is where the art resides." Arthur Schnable

The edge of chaos

"Each of us must be the change we want to see in the world" Gandi

College is a time that you are automatically put out of your comfort zone. You go for certainty to understanding. From safe to dangerous. From controlled to chaotic. From balance to disequilibrium. From known to unknown. Stability to change, function silos to boundary standing.

You learn and grow not only in class but, in every moment of everyday life.

You learn what you truly believe from the core of you being. You find out why you believe it and what you want to support. It is hard to balance between perfectionism and complete randomness. If you do maintain a balance you chose to live on the edge of chaos. You are on the bring of loosing it all but, somehow you gain the delicate balance between school, activities, friends, relationship, standards and decisions. In everything you do, you learn how to trust completely and love unconditionally.

Hitler and Leadership

Our culture puts leaders in a never changing stereotypical box in an ever changing world. What truly makes a good leader? Does leadership have to go hand in hand with charisma?

When I think of a leader, I think of someone who will get the job done. Who is inspiring and makes you feel comfortable to follow them. That doesn't necessarily make a person who accomplishes positive change. Let me elaborate...

Hitler. Automatically when you hear that word you pull back. You become hesitant and possibly a bit resentful. Even though many feelings come along with the name, was he a good leader? Some would say he was not but, others would say he was a great leader. I believe that he was an absolutely  amazing leader. He thought the lives of his people would be better without the Jews. He was not right. He didn't accomplish anything for the good but, he so passionately believed in his cause that an unimaginable amount of people followed him. They followed him by choice, they followed him because they wanted a change that was thought to be good. Hitler had a vision. He passionately believed in it, acted on it and sadly enough almost fulfilled it. 

We as Americans let our leaders mainly be from the pop culture. I personally think that because of that were lookin for the wrong thing. Were looking at the people that made themselves leaders. People that didn't have to do anything to get that leadership position. People that sadly enough often times fail more then they succeed. They are all very passionate charismatic people. They do what they want to do and they believe what they believe. The root of charismatic is charisma. Charisma means; A power or personal quality that gives an individually influence or authority. Charisma is a sort of passion. Its the type of passion that would accompany the name Martin Luther King Jr. When we think of leaders we automatically think of charismatic people such as pop culture icons but, does a leader have to be charismatic? I don't think so.

Mother Theresa is such a great example of a leader. She did what she did because she believed in it, that's all. She didn't do it for the fame. She did not have anything but, slowly she became a symbol of hope and of believe. She didn't start out with an automatic leadership position, we slowly gave it to her. She didn't stand in public and so passionately announce or walk out her believes. She didn't have that in-your-face type of passion. So even though she wasn't charismatic I personally think she is one of the best examples of leadership we have ever had.

All in all, I think we need to broaden our idea of what makes a good leader. Our world is ever changing and our leadership will change along with it. A good leader doesn't always mean good leadership and it doesn't demand charisma. Hitler was a good leader with absolutely sickening leadership. Mother Theresa, an excellent leader with outstanding leadership and no charisma. Whats your definition of leadership?

Randomness

The start of school is just a weekend away and I'm ready for it. My leadership class has been going very well. it has not been exciting though and I find myself getting board very easy. I reserved a music locker. We get music major ID card so we can be in the building after one in the morning. They also get us into concerts free and are our pass to get into a practice room.

I find myself very curious and eager to learn more about Oregon's history. I really would like to learn about the applegate family and the native American tribes that use to live in the Willamette valley. 

I have also been curious about cars. With my extra financial aid money I'm hoping to get a new Subaru. I have been looking at models, colors, prices and ratings. I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for so I'm hoping the research helps. I looked up the origin of the Subaru logo. It comes from a Japanese word we know as pleiades. The six stars in the logo are in the constellation pleiades. it also represents the first Subaru company (the large stare) and the five other main branches around the world (five small stars) I thought that was pretty cool.

So if you can't tell, I'm board and really want school to start so I can stay busy!

Club Sports

I have officially found all of my classrooms! Finding classes means I picked up audition music. I practiced for two and a half hours yesterday. I have to play six sections out of an orchestral piece by Bach. The sections aren't overwhelmingly hard. For the most part they are fairly easy but, there are two rhythmicall passages that are proving to be a bit challenging.

Now that I have my classes and know where they are, I have been trying to decide which club sport to join. I am extremely interested in the triathlon group. The cycling group would be fun. There are normally not very many female cyclist so I know if I joined the club and worked hard I could go pretty far. I have also looked into the rock climbing club. I really enjoy climbing but, do not know much about it. Joining the climbing club would allow me to grow and learn a lot. They also have a dancing club. If it is for ballroom dancing, I'm joining for sure. If its not ballroom, forget it.

This week had kept me busy but I cant wait to have my actual classes next week. Starting next week I can use the rec center as well. I'm very excited about that. Specifically for the rock wall. Tonight I am going by Crux climbing club. They are right across from REI. I will get certified to belay in order to get the green light to climb on the campus wall.

Everyone moved into there dorms today. So far I have ran into a few familiar faces. In a few minuets i am headed off to a music major meeting. That will be fun because I will get to see all of my friends. I'm excited to get caught up with everyone and to be in classes together. At the meeting I would also like to find out why we are auditioning. I'm not sure what we are auditioning for or why we are doing it. It would be good to know seeing as I am practicing a ridiculous amount. Alright I am off to the meeting....

Classes

Fall has officially arrived. It had been a bit drizzly over hear and a little on the gloomy side. Our mornings have been cold but, you cant be fooled because the afternoons warm up quite nicely. For the last day or so my goal has been to find all of my class rooms. A task that has been much harder then what I had initially imagined. The school of music is such a disaster. You have to weave your way through the cemetery and pray you will find the door of the school that will be unlocked for a day. Upon entering you feel like your in a danger zone. I always feel like I'm in the wrong spot or in an area I'm not suppose to be in.

My first attempt for class finding was to find room 163. This is my theory and Aral skills class room, for both of which I also have lab. I could not find the room. Apparently I looked desperate because an older gentleman ask if he could help me. He led me to the room and was my hero for the day.

Today my goal is to find the living and learning center as well as the room I will have placement auditions in (MUP 173). All day Thursday, Friday and Sunday I will be in the living and learning center for my leadership class. That beside, it is imperative that I find room 173. I have to find it in order to sign up for auditions and pick up the "sight reading" material.

Despite the briskness of the weather and my horrid sense of direction, I enjoy my strolls around campus. I love watching all of the different people, soaking in all of the different cultural backgrounds and being surrounded by beautiful greenery. All in all everything is going fabulously. 

Waiting

Patients has been the underlying theme of the last few days. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 16 days. From the get go I was thrilled. I have cared for him since I met him two years ago. After a few days we both started wrestling with our spirits and were convicted on a few things in our lives. For me it was patients and for him, it was other things.

Last night we finally had the chance to talk. I drove down to his parents house knowing that we needed to speak face to face. He was man enough last night to tell me what he was being convicted of. He told me knowing it would be hard, knowing that we would need to put our relationship on hold for a while. It was such a bitter sweet feeling. We did need to end it until December but, I really did not want to loose him.

I really do not have the words to tell you what is going on in my spirit. Last night was so good. He was telling me hard stuff because he truly cares for me. He made the hard choice of admitting his weaknesses in order to guard my heart. It is such an odd feeling to be so broken but at the same time feel so comforted. Even though last night didn't turn out the way I wanted, I know for sure he cares for me and I know were doing the right thing.

God will move and give us the peace and reassurance to move forward in His perfect timing. Sometimes it has to get darker before the light can come in. The good news is darkness has to leave fast. It has no choice but to flee when light comes rushing in.

Even though I am yet again waiting, I'm waiting in peace. I know this is good and I know he will once again have that special place in my life when the time is right. I am waiting patiently but I'm waiting expectantly! It will be good, it will be blessed and it will be God.

Storm

The last few days have been hard ones. I have not been feeling that great. My nose has been really runny and I am completely exhausted. My grandma finally got new carpet. The carpet is good but, the process has been grueling. We had to move the furnature all out. When grandma and I got home that night, I had to vacuum everything. Both of the vacuums died and three plugs went out. The next day all of the furniture had to be moved back in. So I did it, all of it, all by myself. I also had to dust all of it because there is a fire on the pass so there was ash all over everything. I got all of the doors put back on as well.

Spiritually and emotionally I felt rung out. I am forcing myself to be patient in relationship and I am not a very patient person. It has been so hard to wait for him to call, him to ask, him to lead. Every time I am waiting or disappointed I have to hand it over to the Lord. It is good and I know I'm learning a lot but, it had been hard. I'm just waiting. Waiting on the guy, waiting for school to start, for auditions, for friends.

I feel like everything is up in the air and it's not going to land. Its just stuck up there waiting for the perfect timing to re-enter into my life.

When I lost my hair from my car accident I had a lot of different feelings. I was sad and shocked but, at the same time liberated. I never realized how much confidence and comfort comes with your hair. It sounds funny and even ridiculous but, with loosing my hair I lost a lot of me. I have really enjoyed it being short. I feel sassy, stylish and it is way easier to maintain. Despite that, I really miss my long, beautiful, curly hair. I have tried to grow it out a number of times. Because its curly it gets puffy and very awkward looking. Within the last few days I have decided to put up with it, to deal with the awkwardness. I want my hair back.

With my hair, relationship, grandma, carpet, new church, new house, and school starting. I feel week, I have a lack of confidence and the only place I can be comforted is in the Lord. It has been a very hard week but, it is getting better. I can see the light at the end of the darkness. 

I refuse to let this storm get the best of me. I am standing hear with my legs strongly planted and braced in the Lord. Yes it is raining and as dark as night but, my arms are open and I am screaming from my enter most being "bring it on." Satin can throw some strong punches. I do not doubt for a second that I will make it through and be better because of it. Instead of the storm to scaring me but telling me my problems and weaknesses. I will scare the storm by telling it who my God is.

The real thing

Many times in life I find something that I am passionate about and want to throw myself into it. Right now God it teaching me a very hard lesson. it is not what I'm use to so it is uncomfortable and that makes me uneasy.

I am having to learn how to genuinely care and not hold onto the thing but rather hold onto God. I am having to make sure I'm guarding my heart, mind, spirit, soul and thoughts. It has been so hard to do. If I am inpatient, unsure or hesitant about something I have to hand it over to God. That's it. It cant linger in my mind. It can't remain in my hands. It can not be in my control.

Even though this has been a hard lesson to learn, and I'm still learning it, I know that God knows what is best for my life. if you go to an antique store and there are two tables sitting next to each other, you would assume that they are the same. Only an antique expert could tell you which one is a fake. The fake looks the same and functions the same but, it is not nearly as valuable.

God is the expert of my life and I am trusting him because He knows what is the best and most valuable for my life. I absolutely refuse to take the fake in stead of the real. I don't want a counterfeit only ok story. I want the genuine, really to the core story. The story that God has hand written for my life is far better then I could ever understand. He gave us the choice to take the pen and rewrite our story but, I want to see what he writes. I want to stand in awe of the plans he has for my life, I want to live in the peace of knowing he knows best. It has been hard to leave everything in his hands but, I'm doing it. Little by little and inch by inch I'm learning how to trust him and guard my heart.

legalism vs. love

Often times in the Christan faith we think of acting like Jesus died for us and now we can do our own thing is ok. I do not think that it is even slightly true. If a master comes to their slave and tells them they are free the person has two options, to go or to stay. If they choose to stay they stay out of love for the master. They are saying through their actions that they love the master and would do anything for him. The person is saying my life is forever yours. My every decision, thought and action belongs to you. They become bound to the master through love instead of legally.

When Jesus died on the cross he died out of love. When we chose to "Pick us our cross daily" we chose to be bound to him. Literally, everything in us belongs to Him.

So many people act as if only part of them belongs to him. They say "Hear God you can have this little bit of my life." They then keep the rest and live in there comfort bubble forever. We need to surrender EVERY part of our lives to Him. I know how hard it is to do. Many times I ask myself if I am completely ignoring him. It has to be a conscious decision to make God dance in joy over your life because of your decisions. I would rather sacrifice my comfort to walk in Gods best plan for my life then sacrifice Gods best plan  for comfort. I chose to be bound by love.

Cross Country Crazyness

In the Wolfe family we are kind of known for two different ability's: music and athletics. Were not all incredible at either one but, they are both part of all of our lives. My mom when raising us wanted us to persue some music but balance it with a sport. She wanted this to develop us cultural and for the health of our body's.

This weekend I got the change to drive down to Monmouth to watch a cross country meat. Jordan and Jessica are the runners in the family that are beyond imagination good.

The day was beautiful and in perfect conditions for a race. Jordan ran the boys varsity race. he finished second with a time of sixteen twenty something. he looked so strong, we were all so proud of him. Jessica as a freshman ran varsity and WON! She is such a stud and never ceases to amaze me. I was blown out of the water with her performance. I mean who wins, let alone wins as a freshman?

The whole day just amazed me. One the way over I got caught in a lot of traffic. There was a beaver game going on. It cracked me up, every car I passed had OSU flags and the passengers were wearing orange t-shirts. I just drove by them all yelling (with the windows up) in my green car, with an Oregon sticker on the front and with my Green Oregon sweatshirt... "I'm a duck!!!!" That was a fun adventure.

When we bought my little Green Subaru, on the drive back a hub cap flew off and on my way back from the meet I lost another one! It made me so mad, I had just bought a new set of hub caps. It just rolled into a grassy middle section. I am so tempted to go back there tomorrow and get it...I'll keep you posted on that one 

Summiting The South Sister

One of the things that I really wanted to do before the summer was up was hike South Sister. It is a beautiful and very long hike. Once you get to the top the whole hike is worth it. Any pain you might have been feeling just disappears when you get to the top and see the view. Every minuet of the hike just takes your breath away because of the beauty surrounding you.

John and I decided to hike it and the day we picked was so perfect. There was no wind and it was an ideal temperature. We hiked the whole thing in one layer and only put our shells on for a few minuets at the top. Going with John made it even more fun. He knows all of the technical information about everything surrounding us. I think one day I need to write out all that he has taught me. It would fill a book for sure. 

At the end of the hike I was really tiered but, it was worth it. I spent a beautiful day with a man that always puts a smile on my face, in one of the most stunning places on earth.

Answers

We live in a culture that expects immediate results. We want everything now, we want to loose weight now, we want this or that now. We act on impulse instead of with patients.

Many times when I pray about something I want God to answer in a certain way. I expect him to be audible or to give a tangible undefinable sign. Even though this is often times what I expect, what if God gives me an answer to a question in a different way. He could be putting the answer right in front of me but, because I expect it in a different form I might not even notice.

I have been trying to really learn Gods heart. I want to know him so well that no matter what form the answer comes in I will recognise it. I do not want to fit the American mold of wanting everything a certain way and wanting it now. In Matthew 11 John asks Jesus if he is the messiah. I love the way Jesus answers "...The blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cured, the def hear, the dead are raised to life..." Jesus didn't say "yes I am the messiah" he said to look at his actions for the answer. He knew Johns heart. He knew that John knew his heart well enough to know the answer.

I pray that one day my heart will be in the condition of Johns. I want to know what the Lord is saying without even thinking about it. I don't ever want to doubt if it was the Lord speaking or if it was just my flesh. I want to hear him even if I have to just be patient and wait, I know he will answer in his perfect timing.